very scary kids…

When I was growing up I used to watch the low budget horror show on the WDCA the UHF channel. The same guy that read the news hosted the show dressed up as a bargain basement Count Dracula. I can still remember him saying in his best Transylvanian accent, “very scary kids….very scary.” I knew they looked familiar from somewhere.

more Halloween costumes for dogs

Last year I blogged about Halloween costumes for dogs. That post still gets the most hits so, here’s more Halloween costumes for dogs. Enjoy!

There’s cute ones…

and funny ones…

and scary ones…

and ones that are just wrong…

yeah some people dress up their cats too, but that’s just ridiculous!

who will win the election?

ah can you feel the suspense? who will win the election? will it be Mitt Romney or Barrack Obama??? two candidates that seem like polar opposites on the surface but if you look a little closer you’ll find them very much alike. just like Coke vs Pepsi, which are basically the same product with a different label, a sugary carbonated cola with no nutritional value that’s detrimental to your health. for all their political posturing look at where they stand on the issues:

no matter which one wins the American people lose and when they find out they’ve been had, it will be too late…

Presidential Erections

ok for this bit to be funny, you have to say it like your a Japanese tourist that just got off the bus in Grand Central Station. “Presidential Erections. I love Presidential Erections! I’ve been a big fan of them since Kennedy. I am looking much forward to the upcoming Presidential Erection!”

So all politics aside, Q. Who would you rather smoke crack and perform oral sex with in the back of a limousine? Obama or Romney? now be honest…perhaps your a Liberal Democrat that secretly longs for a stern Father figure to spank you and cut all your social progams cause you’ve been bad or maybe your a Conservative Right Winger that wants to let your hair down and get jiggy with it. Hey whatever floats your boat…you don’t have to worry about anybody finding out about it, you could even write a book but the controlled media wouldn’t report it. So go ahead and hey now baby get into my big black car…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSYt8OD89t8

Hey now baby, get into my big black car
Hey now baby, get into my big black car
I wanna just show you what my politics are.

I’m a political man and I practice what I preach
I’m a political man and I practice what I preach
So don’t deny me baby, not while you’re in my reach.

I support the left, tho’ I’m leanin’, leanin’ to the right
I support the left, tho’ I’m leanin’ to the right
But I’m just not there when it’s coming to a fight.

Hey now baby, get into my big black car
Hey now baby, get into my big black car
I wanna just show you what my politics are.

the Redskins Rule

Some people think that the Presidential race is determined by the popular vote – the number of people that vote for one candidate ( but several Presidents, including G.W. Bush against Al Gore have lost the popular vote and still won the election because of the electoral college, look it up! ) It’s really because of the Redskins Rule. If the Washington Redskins win their last home game before the election, then the incumbent party will win the election. According to Wikipedia, the Redskins Rule is a trend involving NFL football and United States presidential elections. Briefly stated, there is a high correlation between the outcome of the most recent Washington Redskins home football game and the U.S. Presidential Election: when the Redskins win, the party which won the popular vote in the previous election wins the electoral vote for the White House, and vice versa. This coincidence has been noted by many sports and political commentators

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Redskins_Rule

That rule had held true since 1936, that is until 2004 when GW stole the election. That year the Redskins lost to the Greenbay Packers by a hanging chad.

p.s. In the upcoming Obama vs. Romney election, the Redskins are playing the Carolina Panthers. Here’s their new logo:

reminds me of something, hmm…

does this taste funny to you?

             

Two cannibals were chowing down on the hapless tourist that wandered off the path. Unbeknownst to them he was a popular  children’s entertainer…when suddenly one of them turns to the other and says,” does this taste funny to you? ” true story…they all are! anyway my blog is kind of like that. If you find it funny take a big bite and enjoy. If not please take it out of your mouth and let some one else…

 

Wacky Pack Millionaire

Times were tough, I had lost my job and the will to live when they cut off my cable, plus my goldfish had died in a freak drowning accident. My third wife had taken all the money and the last remnants of my manhood and moved back with her mother when the house had gone into foreclosure. I hit the bottle with a vengence. One day I was laying back in my bed hungover, thinking up ways to make money, when I started daydreaming about simpler times when it was just me, my Big Wheel and the open road. Back then I would perform daredevil stunts in emulation of my hero Evel Knievel, impressing all the kids on my block. Maybe I could recapture my past glories. I knew I still had the ability but how would it look a man in his 40’s riding a Big Wheel? Did they even make them anymore? And who would even pay me to do that? How could I make some moolah? For some reason my thoughts turned to Wacky Packs. They were trading cards and stickers made back in the 70’s that parodied popular products. I collected them when I was a kid. Didn’t I still have a shoe box full of them somewhere? I wonder if they were worth any money? hmm…this is how it all began.

Starting over was nothing new to me. I had risen like a phoenix from the ashes more times than I could count. I was the comeback kid. Remember that episode of Mr. Magoo where he’s sleepwalking on a construction site and everytime he’s about to walk off a beam and plunge to his death, another beam swings in the catch him? That’s kind of how my life’s been and this time was no different. It took me awhile but I finally found the shoebox full of Wacky Packs in the garage. I must of had a couple of hundred of them and they were in pristine condition. The colors hadn’t faded and the stickers had never been stuck. A quick look online revealed a dozen different sites about Wacky Packs. Here’s one…General guide (FAQ) for Appraising, Selling, and Buying Wacky Packages. JACKPOT!

What  I learned was most Wacky Packs are run of the mill and worth $50 tops even if they’re in perfect condition but there are a few very rare ones out there that are worth beaucoup bucks to collectors. I looked up my collection in the online catalog. Everyone has a Kong Fu Brutal Gum.

and Cram…

Slaytex Living Gloves…ditto.

Fang Breakfast Drink? yep…

but did I have a Land of Quakes? nope…

Mountain Goo? nope, darn…

but wait did I have a Capt’n Crud?

Yep, I had two of ’em!!! and a Valveater and a whole bunch of these other rare ones!!!

I was rich! filthy rich I tell you!!! more money than my wildest dreams!!! caviar wishes and champagne dreams here I come. I took my collection and cashed ’em in. Now I live on my yacht and spend my time sailing the Caribbean. Life is Good! I’ll never have to work again. So that’s how I became a Wacky Pack Millionaire.

90 Days Clean and Sober

Today marks 90 days without a drink. That’s right I quit drinking. I quit smoking and drinking and cussing…oh shit I forgot my pack of cigarettes at the bar. No but seriously I haven’t had a drink for three months. If I was in the program I’d be picking up my white chip or whatever they call it but I’m not a member of AA or Triple A or AARP, even though I’m probably eligible for all three. I was playing in bars, drinking like a fish, living the life of pirate. I never smoked but then I started smoking the occasional cigarette. Then whenever I had a drink I would want to smoke a cigarette. And then I was drinking all the time, so I started smoking all the time, you know how that goes. That shit’ll catch up with you. So I quit to counter the detrimental effects of drinking and smoking which range from pickling your liver and charring your lungs to breaking out in handcuffs.

 

 

So how do I feel? I’ll be honest with you, I feel like shit! Rundown, beat up, cranky, and old. I put on a bunch of weight. It’s terrible. My advice is don’t do it. And I haven’t got laid since. Maybe it’s because I stopped hanging out in bars or maybe it’s because I started becoming more discerning without the beer goggles. Who knows? You know the old joke, ” I never went to bed with a ugly woman when I was drinking, but I woke up with a few! ” Yeah so I grew a mustache and put on some pounds and this chick at my gig asked me, ” Did anyone ever tell you, you look like Ron Jeremy? ” So I said, ” only from the waist down… “

 

 

So other than that, I guess things are getting better. I’m at least handling it better. I’m past the wanting to kill everyone stage and now in the only wanting to kill some people stage. We’ll see if it lasts. The best thing is I quit smoking cigarettes. They really suck. And I could have never quit smoking without quitting drinking.

It’s so easy even a Caveman can do it…