Monthly Archives: November 2011

Miley Cyrus will you marry me?

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I know I’m going to make Mary-Louise Parker jealous, but I’m publicly declaring my love for Miley Cyrus. She’s rich, young, and smoking hot, and now she’s legal and she’s a stoner…what more could a guy want? Mary-Louise you will always be my favorite MILF but Miley’s a teenage sex pot on pot!

Videos of her toking on a bong have surfaced before on the internet before. ( bloggers take note proofread before you wake and bake, before! ) Now it’s a video taken at her 19th birthday party. When presented with a birthday cake with an image of Bob Marley on it, she joked, “ you know you’re a stoner when your friends a make you a Bob Marley cake. You know you smoke too much fucking weed. “  The friend in question was none other than Kelly Osbourne, Ozzy’s now slim and sexy daughter. ( Kelly call me… )

Of course there’s been at outrage over her statements and now Miley has to insist she was only joking but she seems like a nice, normal well adjusted teen to me, sweet even. I admit I know nothing about her music and I’ve never watched any of her tv shows. But I can tell by looking at her, she’s got talent…

All hail the new FIRE CROTCH GODDESS!!!

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DEMONIC!

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Ann Coulter wrote a book entitled ” DEMONIC, ” where in she labels all liberals demonic. Oh well, everybody knows she’s a whack job. Even Fox News ain’t returning her phone calls anymore. Now labelling me demonic is one thing but don’t call me a liberal Shirley. Sure I played for a benefit for Obama’s ” Get Out The Vote ” but that was only because I thought he would keep his campaign promises of hands off medical marijuana patients in states that had passed voter referendums. Now I’d play a benefit for Obama, ” Get Out the Oval Office. ” We could get Ann Coulter to host it and I’d play her all her favorite Grateful Dead songs.

People have been reading my blog and have been drawing conclusions and seeing things that  just aren’t there. They label me a Liberal, a Commie Pinko, an Anarchist ( no that’s Dave, man. ) So please don’t call me a Liberal or a Democrat or a Republican for that matter. I’m more of an Independent Libertarian. They think I’m anti – this and anti – that. I’m not anti anything. For instance they say I’m anti -American!? Read my blog fool, I say repeatedly that America is the best country in the world. I encourage people to vote. I encourage them to stand up for what they believe in, to exercise their right to free speech and to take an active role in changing things…to be responsible citizens.

People say I’m anti – Capitalist, that I’m part of the Occupy Movement. I don’t know where they are getting any of that. I haven’t wrote one thing about Occupy. ( except that Ann Coulter thing and I didn’t even write it plus she’s just a bitch ) And while I agree with some of the things they are about ( i.e. Corporate Reform, Workers Rights ) actually I’m concerned about the burden they are putting on our already stressed system, the cost of which is being passed on to the American Taxpayer.

People also  say I’m a Peacenik and that I’m anti –War. Hey  I like blowing things up and killing people as much as the next guy. But again I’m concerned about the burden it’s putting on the American Taxpayer. Blowing things up and killing people is expensive man. Let some other country kill people for a change.

And lastly, they say I’m pro – Marijuana and I want to legalize pot. And to that I reply: no shit Sherlock.

” It’s elementary, my dear Watson. ”

write on…

p.s. the Steal Your Face logo is copyrighted by Grateful Dead Merchandizing and I am using it without permission, please ask Bob Weir not to sue me, thanks.

Black Friday

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Yes today is Black Friday, in the U.S. traditionally the day after Thanksgiving. The day after they give thanks for all they have, all the good little consumer whores go on a shopping frenzy to acquire even more stuff they neither want nor need. Like lemmings to the sea, they can’t help themselves.

Camping out all night in freezing weather to do battle in the morning over discounted electronics made in China by children who make $3 a day if their lucky.

 

 

But no that’s the Black Friday on my mind. The one I’m talking about has nothing to do with how many shopping days are left ‘til Christmas.  I’m talking about the day when all the stock markets around the world crash sending the economy into another Great Depression, which might be anyday now.

 

 

” When Black Friday comes
I stand down by the door
And catch the grey men when they
Dive from the fourteenth floor

When Black Friday comes
I collect everything I’m owed
And before my friends find out
I’ll be on the road

When Black Friday falls you know it’s got to be
Don’t let it fall on me

When Black Friday comes
I fly down to Muswellbrook
Gonna strike all the big red words
From my little black book

Gonna do just what I please
Gonna wear no socks and shoes
With nothing to do but feed
All the kangaroos

When Black Friday comes I’ll be on that hill
You know I will… “

    If you don’t believe me just ask Steely Dan.

They know I will.

p.s. shop ’til ya’ drop

 

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The Hoarders of Babylon part 2

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So are you with me so far class? In prehistoric times it was share and share alike. Then with the rise of settled agricultural societies came notions of private property and keep your hands off my stack, jack. And according to the authors of “ SEX AT DAWN, the Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality,”  the sharing extended to sex as well. “ A great deal of research from Primatology, Anthropology, Anatomy, and Psychology points to the same fundamental conclusions:

Human beings and our hominid ancestors have spent almost all of the past few million years or so in small, initimate bands in which most adults had several sexual relationships at any given time. This approach to sexuality probably persisted until the rise of agriculture and private property no more than 10,000 years ago. When people began living in settled agricultural communities, social reality shifted deeply and irrevocably.

Suddenly it became crucially important to know where your field ended and your neighbor’s began. Thus patriarchal notions of private property began. They go on to quote the 10th Commandment: “ Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass ( ! ) nor anything that is thy neighbor’s… “ These things were considered  a man’s possessions ( got that ladies? ). And when you got stuff you have to protect it. With the increase of population and the rise of city states, the male warrior became the dominant mode. So there it is in a nutshell and that’s where we are today.

So I ask you this, to quote a fun little ditty by the Florida band, RUDY :

“ What are you going to do with all the love that you’re hiding in your underpants? “

The Hoarders of Babylon

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“ …arrayed in Purple and Scarlet color, and decked with Gold and Precious Stones and Pearls, having a Golden Cup in her hand full of Abominations and the filthiness of her Fornications: and upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, MOTHER OF HARLOTS, AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH “

( Revelation 17: 1-6 )

Sounds pretty harsh to me, I don’t know what it means but reading that scared the shit out of me when I was kid. But I wasn’t referring to that. I was talking about hoarders. The Oxford Dictionary defines them as “ people who accumulate more than one’s current requirement of food, money, ( gigs ) etc. “ …and sex?

In the 2010 New York Times Best Seller “ SEX AT DAWN, the Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality, “ the authors Christopher Ryan, Ph D and Cacilda Jetha MD argue that in prehistoric times everything was shared, including sex!

“ Anthropologists have demonstrated time and time again that hunter-gatherer societies are nearly universal in their fierce egalitarianism. Sharing is not just encouraged, it’s mandatory. Hoarding or hiding food, for example, is considered deeply shameful, almost unforgivable behavior in these societies. We believe this sharing behavior extended to sex as well. “

Amen.

That being said, to quote a favorite Beatles song,

“ WHY DON’T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD? “

7 Awful Things Ann Coulter said about Occupy Wall Street

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I am surrounded by people who watch Fox News. I do not watch Fox News. All I know is Ann Coulter proves that just because you like the Grateful Dead ( or play their songs in a cover tune band for that matter ) that DOESN’T MAKE YOU KIND!!!

Alan Scherstuhl wrote this not me, he deserves all the credit:

Seven Awful Things Ann Coulter Just Said About

Occupy Wall Street

By Alan Scherstuhl Thu., Nov. 17 2011 at 5:00 PM
Ann Coulter’s job is to say as many awful things as she can in the increasingly tiny slices of media time that she is afforded. Currently, she’s peddling her book on talk radio stations around the country and probably wishing the folks at Fox would call her more often. This morning, she telephoned Bryan Sussman at KSFO, San Francisco’s official media home for people who complain all day that their views have no media home. As you might expect, they talked about her book (SPOILER: The villain is liberals!) as well as the Occupy movement. A total pro, she managed to say at least seven awful things in her twenty minutes:
1. “I knew there would be mob uprisings again. They are demonic.”
2. “What I like most about them is that they have no point.”
3.“At the protest in Tel Aviv in Israel, they set up guillotines in the square. And you have the computer-generated voice speaking on behalf of Occupy Wall Street saying ‘The voice of the people is anonymous. We are legion, for we are many’ – directly from the demon in scripture.” ( that one at least is funny! )
4.“I guess it’s fun to destroy stuff. As they found out during the French Revolution, it’s lots of fun to just start randomly murdering people – this is the way it always is with mobs.”
5. “Maybe it will take down a government, but it will be Obama’s government.”
6. “Remember the lesson from my book: It just took a few shootings at Kent State to shut that down for good.”
7. After Sussman declared that he wished that the arrested Bank of America occupiers had been thrown in with the general population of prisoners, and then admitted that he did not know whether or not they had, Coulter compared the “special treatment” the protesters receive at the hands of police to that of French aristocrats who brought along servants when imprisoned. NOTE: This is too stupid to transcribe.

This proves yet again that outrage is easier than comedy.

Follow Alan Scherstuhl on Twitter at @studiesincrap, SF Weekly‘s Exhibitionist blog at @ExhibitionistSF and like us on Facebook.