Just between me and you this year’s been a little rough, the slum lord I was renting from kicked me out and kept my deposit, soon after my guitar and equipment got stolen from my car after a gig I was playing on the beach where they weren’t treating me right, then somebody rear ended me and totaled my car…
I found myself in a lot of situations with people that weren’t serving me, so slowly but surely I found new ones that were. Now I have a new apt., a new guitar, a better gig, I bought the exact same car, same year, model and color, with less miles…AND I just saved a whole bunch of money with Geico.
p.s. don’t let the bastards get you down!
With all the media hoopla surrounding the current election with states legalizing marijuana, gay marriage, incest, bestiality, etc. There was one important piece of legislation passed that got overlooked. In California, Los Angeles voters passed the Safe Sex in the Adult Film Industry Act. The bill makes condom use mandatory in all porno productions ( and being California if you want to smoke afterward you’ll have to go outside and stand at least 50 feet from any public building. ) so NO GLOVE, NO LOVE…at least not on camera, you got that! While I’m all for safe sex and use condoms in my personal life, ( maybe that’s why I’m still here! ) I don’t necessarily want the performers in porno to wear them. Hypathetically speaking that is if I were to watch a porno. Sadly the money shot will never be the same again. Since the law only passed in California some think it will be a boost for South Florida’s already burgeoning porn industry. ( Aspiring talent please contact me in care of Space Hippie Worldwide Ministries )
Look some anonymous do-gooder from the Romney campaign kindly mailed these out.
I’m calling this Musical Chairs because all my life I’ve been in bands that break up. Members are constantly coming and going like a game of musical chairs. In particular, I have played with a Spinal Tap-like succession of drummers. Drummers have been the bane of my existence. They are a different breed alright. That’s why there’s all those drummer jokes.
Q. What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Q. How can you tell when a drummer’s knocking at your door?
A. it speeds up!
Q. What do you call a guy that hangs out with musicians?
A. a drummer!
I’ve had played with some really good drummers over the years. In rock’n’roll, the drummer are the ones that tend to go first and I too have lost some of them in very tragic ways. My drummer back in high school who was my best friend, hung himself after getting hooked on drugs. Then another drummer quit the band to work with K.C. and the Sunshine Band. Yeah I know so sad…Disco Sucks! That brings me to current drummer who just quit. I had been working with Flip ( the name says it all ) for the last two years. The reason being was he said he could get us a gig at the Hard Rock cause his neighbor was a big wig there and while we never did play there, we did play at some of the seedier local dives for peanuts…occassionally actually getting paid. Flip was a trip. He was never less than 3 hours late. He’d show up on his scooter and then need gas money to get home. That was one thing but when he played he would either a. speed up or b. space out! I swear there were tunes that no matter how much we practiced, we would get to that one part and he’d choke. I mean it’s not like he couldn’t play, he was just a flake. That band never went anywhere and it was a real drag. I hung in there every once in while making $100 playing a party. But the final straw came when we we’re supposed to play a Halloween gig he had set up at a Moose Lodge. I promoted it all month and had alot of people coming. Then the day of the show I get a text from the bass player that the gig was cancelled. I was furious. WTF? I never did find out why. Flip never returned any of my phone calls. Sayonara! I moved on and am now playing with the drummer from Molly Hatchet.
yeah so I’ve been practicing the world’s second oldest profession, musical prostitution. That’s right I’ve been playing in cover tune bands. You’d think after letting medical students practice genital/rectal exams on you for money, that it would be hard to lower yourself. But believe me, this is truly the bottom rung. They don’t pay shit and it doesn’t matter how good you play, no one’s even listening anyway. The club owner’s treat you like shit. You play your ass off and at the end of the night they try to stiff you and if you dare suggest they keep their end of the bargain, they get physically violent with you. I stand up to the bastards. I’ve had them chase me down the street, calling me every name in the book. The guy from Club M, who I sued on People’s Court ( and won! ) had sucker punched me in the back of the head when I was walking out the front door. Yeah I embarrassed him on national tv, but he should have been arrested for assault.
Then there’s the owner of Stage 84. I played there for free many times at their open mic. I even had my medical marijuana benefits there. So the owner says next time my band plays we’ll get a percentage of the door. So we promote the hell out of the gig and the place is packed. Before the gig is over, this guys sneaks out the backdoor. When I finally track him down a few days later, he tells me “we never agreed on any money.” So we play the gig and bring in all kinds of business and he gets to keep all the money? WTF? I’m talking to this asswipe over the phone and he says, “he doesn’t like my tone.” He tells me if I show up there he’s calling the police and he’s going to “kick my ass hard.” That’s a new one. He’s going to beat me up and call the police on me! These people get away with this shit. They just find another sucker who will play for free. It’s fucking ridiculous the way they treat musicians. My only satisfaction is knowing they eventually go out of business like Club M did soon after I sued them on People’s Court.
watch Space Hippie on People’s Court: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04q9OlujDlA&feature=plcp