Wacky Pack Millionaire


Times were tough, I had lost my job and the will to live when they cut off my cable, plus my goldfish had died in a freak drowning accident. My third wife had taken all the money and the last remnants of my manhood and moved back with her mother when the house had gone into foreclosure. I hit the bottle with a vengence. One day I was laying back in my bed hungover, thinking up ways to make money, when I started daydreaming about simpler times when it was just me, my Big Wheel and the open road. Back then I would perform daredevil stunts in emulation of my hero Evel Knievel, impressing all the kids on my block. Maybe I could recapture my past glories. I knew I still had the ability but how would it look a man in his 40’s riding a Big Wheel? Did they even make them anymore? And who would pay me to do that? How could I make some moolah? For some reason my thoughts turned to Wacky Packs. They were trading cards and stickers made back in the 70’s that parodied popular products. I collected them when I was a kid. Didn’t I still have a shoe box full of them somewhere? I wonder if they were worth any money? hmm…this is how it all began.

Starting over was nothing new to me. I had risen like a phoenix from the ashes more times than I could count. I was the comeback kid. Remember that episode of Mr. Magoo where he’s sleepwalking on a construction site and everytime he’s about to walk off a beam and plunge to his death, another beam swings in the catch him? That’s kind of how my life’s been and this time was no different. It took me awhile but I finally found the shoebox full of Wacky Packs in the garage. I must of had a couple of hundred of them and they were in pristine condition. The colors hadn’t faded and the stickers had never been stuck. A quick look online revealed a dozen different sites about Wacky Packs. Here’s one…General guide (FAQ) for Appraising, Selling, and Buying Wacky Packages. JACKPOT!

What  I learned was most Wacky Packs are run of the mill and worth $50 tops even if they’re in perfect condition but there are a few very rare ones out there that are worth beaucoup bucks to collectors. I looked up my collection in the online catalog. Everyone has a Kong Fu Brutal Gum.

and Cram…

Slaytex Living Gloves…ditto.

Fang Breakfast Drink? yep…

but did I have a Land of Quakes? nope…

Mountain Goo? nope, darn…

but wait did I have a Capt’n Crud?

Yep, I had two of ’em!!! and a Valveater and a whole bunch of these other rare ones!!!

I was rich! filthy rich I tell you!!! more money than my wildest dreams!!! caviar wishes and champagne dreams here I come. I took my collection and cashed ’em in. Now I live on my yacht and spend my time sailing the Caribbean. Life is Good! I’ll never have to work again. So that’s how I became a Wacky Pack Millionaire.


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