ok so I was Sanity Claus all along. It was me. I took the name from the 1935 Marx Brothers classic “A Night at the Opera.” Groucho playing the part of Otis B. Driftwood, is negotiating a management contract with Fiorello played by his brother Chico when Chico says “Sanity Clause? Everyone knows there ain’t no Sanity Clause!” ( or something to that effect… )
Fiorello: Hey, wait, wait. What does this say here, this thing here?
Driftwood: Oh, that? Oh, that’s the usual clause that’s in every contract. That just says, uh, it says, uh, if any of the parties participating in this contract are shown not to be in their right mind, the entire agreement is automatically nullified.
Fiorello: Well, I don’t know…
Driftwood: It’s all right. That’s, that’s in every contract. That’s, that’s what they call a sanity clause.
Fiorello: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You can’t fool me. There ain’t no Sanity Clause!
I appropriated that phrase as my nom de plume ( my pen name, a pseudonym adopted by an author when they want to conceal their identity ) when I was writing Christmas parodies for a radio show in Miami. I called them X rated X mas tunes. Let’s see I wrote ” Fucking Around the Christmas Tree,” “Deck the Balls” and “Silver Balls” and “Jingle Balls” ( it was a trilogy. ) as well as the holiday classic “Come Like Ol’ Faithful.” Now you can see why I used a nom de plume! But there was one in the bunch that did become a hit of sorts. If was a tale of mall Santa that runs amuck in the women’s lingerie aisle in WalMart. Set to the tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland.” it was an instant sensation. I called my epic “Walking in the Mall Without My Pants.” It later enjoyed a rash of success (ouch) on the internet and is well on it’s way to becoming Christmas classic. I just put it on You Tube just in time for the holidays ( with the lyrics! ) So gather the family round with a strong batch of egg nog and enjoy a good old fashion sing along!
HEAR IT HERE: http://www.myspace.com/walkinginthemall
I’m sure you’re thinking this must be some kind of joke but it’s not I assure you. New evidence suggests that Santa Claus is indeed Jewish…no, not jolly Ol’ St. Nick? No, while St. Nicholas, known as Sinterklaas in the Netherlands was a guy that dressed in a red suit, ran around with schvartzes and gave presents to all the good boys and girls, that was back in the late 1800’s, not the modern day Santa Claus. It is now believed by many Santa scholars that the real Santa was familar with that legend though and patterned himself after St. Nicholas. It was recently discovered that a Jewish family named the Clausensteins relocated from the Netherlands to the North Pole in the early part of the 20th century in search of a better life. Instead what they found was a cold, frozen wasteland. They shortened there name to Claus to attract less attention to themselves as they were the only Jewish family among the Eskimo yak herders that lived there. Apparently the family business had been toy makers and there really wasn’t much of a market for that sort of thing. Even so they passed on their toy making skills to their kids and one of them when he grew up decided to follow in the footsteps of what was his favorite childhood hero, Sinterklaas himself. Don’t believe me? Well what goyim would be running around delivering toys on Christmas Eve? And who better to do it on the birthday of Jesus than a Jew? So take it from me, Santa is a nice Jewish boy. Alot of people leave cookies and milk for Santa but believe me he would rather have a nice hot bowl of Matzo Ball Soup. And if you could would a bottle of Manischewitz be too much much to ask? Oy vey, your bratty kids write and complain that they didn’t get the stupid toy they wanted last year, it’s not my problem! I had to transfer alot of my operations overseas when the elves unionized but you don’t hear me complaining do you? And the commercialization just gets worse every year! Mashugana, I’ve had it up to here with these schmucks…
Tune in next week when we ask the question ” Did the Jews really start the practices today known as the Martial Arts?”
If you lived in one of the Low Countries, like the Netherlands or Belgium or some parts of France, you would be gearing up today for the appearance of Sinterklaas or Sint Nicolaas, that’s right jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas, himself. He’s depicted as a white bearded man in a red cape. Also known as De Goedheiligman (The Good Holy Man). He’s been keeping track of who’s been naughty or nice and comes bringing gifts to the good boys and girls. He arrives with his helpers called Zwarte Pieten, the Black Petes, Al Jolson look alikes in black face like some ol’ time minstrel show and that’s where the controversy starts. 2011 marked “Slavery Remembrance Year” and protesters called for the end of the practice. Some try to explain the tradition of blackface as depicting the black soot from the chimneys they had to climb down to deliver the presents but others say it is plain racist and has no place in the modern world. The Dutch argue that it is a beloved cherished tradition that harms no one. They also counter that America’s Santa is a mysogynistic pimp going around saying “ho, ho, ho, ” while the Zwarte Pieten toss candy around, a tradition supposedly originating in Sint Nicolaas’ story of saving three young girls from prostitution by tossing golden coins through their window at night to pay their father’s debts. Then there was the time one of them stuck a finger in a dyke but we won’t go into that here. So while they may be anachronisms from a by gone era, even today the Zwarte Pieten insist that Sinterklaas is pretty fly for a white guy.