Monthly Archives: July 2011

L.A.M.F.

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When I woke up my head felt like a band of pygmies were doing the war dance on the inside of my skull. My mouth was so dry, my tongue felt like a sea sponge. I was hungover L.A.M.F. as they say. God did I get drunk last night…It was Sunday morning, classes started on Monday and I’m in Dade County Jail on charges of Grand Theft Auto. My parents are going to kill me.

They say it’s always darkest before the dawn and next thing you know, they are calling our names telling us we made bail. Huh? They take us out of the holding cell and there’s this guy there, longish hair, wearing a suit. He hands us his card which reads Ronald Fabish, Zig Zag Bail Bonds, Any Jail, Any Crime, Anytime. His card looks like a miniture replica of a pack of Zig Zag rolling papers. ” Who bailed us out? ” we ask. ” The University… ” They had convinced the Coral Gables Police Dept. to drop the charges. It was a ” fraternity prank ” that they would  ” take care of internally “. So I made my first day of classes. Later that week we had to appear in front of the Dean and in a scene right out of Animal House, we were told from this point on we were on ” double secret probation “. Any infraction whatsoever from now ’til graduation and we would be expelled.

My parents never did find out ( ’til now that is, hi Mom! ) and I did go on to graduate several years later with a B.F.A. in film. Some of the other guys did too. In fact one of them is now a well known film director.

Busted!

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sorry to leave you all hanging…

so where was I? ok so there I was face down in the grass, the cop’s got his gun pointed to the back of my head and he says ” freeze, you are under arrest”. They caught the other guys too, except one that got away. He jumped a wall and broke his hand. He made it all the way back to Mahoney ( our dorm ) and was taking a shower when they caught up with him. They took us to a mini station on campus and they handcuffed us to these chairs. We were all a bag of toys. The cops were like ” what are we going to do with you guys? ” They caught us redhanded in a hot wired van. They had no choice, we were going downtown.

Dade County jail sits in downtown Miami. In this mid 80’s it was packed to overflowing largely due to the Cocaine Cowboys that were waging gun battles in the streets not to mention the influx of all the Marielitos. In 1980, Castro emptied out the prisons and mental institutions in Cuba and put them on a boat and sent them to Miami ( remember the movie Scarface starts with Tony Montana getting off the boat ). On a sweltering hot Saturday night believe me Dade County Jail was hopping. The holding cell was packed to the gills with hardened criminals mostly blacks and hispanics and here comes these suburban white kids. I was wearing white corduroys for chrissakes! We walked in there like that scene out of Stir Crazy where Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder saunter in going ” that’s right, we bad, we bad… ”

They took one look at us and said ” hell no, what are you boys in for ? ” “Grand Theft Auto…” “They audibly gasped and stepped back from us, ” that’s some bad shit you boys  are going to prison for a long, long time. ” Things were looking pretty grim.

I maim Miami (and other palindrones)

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Space Hippie was a nickname I got in college that I could never live down, so I made it into a career. I went to the University of Miami back in the 80’s. Back in the Vinny Testaverde days when we usually always won the National Championship. ( GO CANES! )

 

Scarface

 

Back then U.M. was voted the number #1 party school in America, Sun Tan U. This was also in the height of the cocaine era. Those who were there still talk about the Blizzard of ’88. ( to get an idea what it was like, watch the trailer for Cocaine Cowboys directed by fellow Hurricane Billy Corben )

 

 

I had never been to Miami before. Never been on my own for any length of time with out “parental supervision” as they say. So as soon as my parents dropped me off on campus at Mahoney Pearson (the freshman dorms) it was party time. Classes didn’t start ’til next week and every night there was a rush party at every fraternity on fraternity row.  Nowadays they have something called “dry rush” (an oxymoron!?) but back then it was a kegger to end all keggers every night! After several days of this, I had made some fast friends. We drank like a school of fish and after closing out half a dozen parties, we ended up at a Jim Jones punch party at Sigma Chi.

 

kool-aid

 

You remember the psycho cult leader Jim Jones that made all his followers drink the cyanide kool aid right? Well they were serving something called “Guyana Grape”, grape kool aid spike with grain alcohol. I remember there was a big, metal washtub full with mannequin parts floating in it sitting on the floor before a white suited Jim Jones look-a-like in shades, sitting in a high backed wicker chair with a girl on each arm. It was some powerful stuff and we were already drunk. After that it’s kind of hazy. All I remember was later being kicked out of ZBT (the frat house next store) and them yelling at us while pelting us with plastic cups. We were now really, REALLY drunk. The ground below my feet seem to sway back and forth as if I was on a boat on the ocean. We had trouble crossing the street, let alone making it across campus to our dorm. Across the street was CSR, where the football team practiced. The parking lot was full of these huge white vans they rode in. One of my new found buddies got the bright idea that since we couldn’t walk, we could hot wire one of the vans AND DRIVE BACK ACROSS CAMPUS! All I know is I passed out in the back of the van. When I came to, I looked up to see the van was stopped with both doors open and the cops were chasing my friends across the intramural field.

 

cop-car

 

I shot straight up and out the door like a bolt of lightning. As I was running back across the street, another cop car came screeching around the corner coming to a stop right in front of me. I put my outstretched hands flat on the hood to stand. I was stunned for a brief moment like a deer in the headlights then took off running behind one of the frats. My flip flop, ( yes, I was drunk as a skunk running in flip flops ) I blew out my flip flop, ( yes like a bad Jimmy Buffet song ) causing me to tumble face first into the grass. Then I heard the click and felt the barrel of the gun pressed against my head and I knew I was in deep doo doo.

Stay tuned for the next episode where Space Hippie finds himself in jail before he’s even been to his first class…

 

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hello out there!

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hello out there and I know some of you are truly, truly out there…well I’m here to keep you company!

this is an experiment born out of equal parts boredom, frustration, AND necessity,

( and we all know what a hell of a mother necessity is )

I’m hoping to learn as I go and so far so good.

Even the longest and most arduous journey begins with…

tieing yer shoe laces real tight! ( I bet you thought I was going to say ” the first step ” no that’s AA! )

So tie yer shoe laces real tight, fasten yer seat belt,

( no need to extinguish yer smoking materials here, in fact light one up! )

Sit back, relax, we are cleared for take off…