So I’ve got myself into a little situation here that could be potentially embarrassing. This former roommate of mine who was a real computer geek is threatening to post a sex tape of me online if I don’t pay him off. I’m being sexhorted you might say. So what’s the problem? Everyone who’s ever had a sex tape leaked became even more famous and it only benefited, not hurt their careers. Look at Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee or Paris Hilton or Dustin Diamond ( Screech from Saved By The Bell )…ok forget that last example. Well this is a little different. This sex tape involved, how should I put this…um it was of a solo performance. Yeah, like I said it’s a potentially embarrassing situation.
Ok, of course I am making all this shit up but I am trying to make this a comedy blog. I’m bored shitless and I’m trying to make people laugh, laugh so hard they shit themselves. I wanna write some good shit and make people laugh so hard they forget all the bullshit they have to put up with every day. ( For all you foreign readers in English shit is a very flexible word. It can be a noun, a verb, an adverb…tres~ magnifique! ) Ok, so maybe Obama really is a foreign born, dyed in the wool communist hell bent on destroying the American way of life. Perhaps FEMA is stocking up on body bags for every man, woman, and child that they can’t fit into all the internment camps they’re building. And of course the Planet Nibiru is about to wreak havoc when it enters our solar system on it’s 3,600 year elliptical orbit. I could care less. I just want smoke some fat nugs, bust a nut now and again and make some people laugh. Is that too much to ask?
I teach guitar lessons. I teach guitar lessons to little brats. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist, but it does involve a lot of patience. Kids say the darnedest things and they question everything. One little brain-iac, wanted to know why the scale didn’t “go up to H.”
” The scale goes A, B, C, D, E, F, G,”
” but how come it doesn’t go to up to H?”
” It just doesn’t… “
” But why? “
He kept persisting so I finally broke down and told him the truth…
” It used to kid, believe me it used to. “
” What do you mean it used to? How come it doesn’t anymore? “
” Look kid, if I tell ya’ I’ll have to kill you… “
” Tell me, tell me… “
” Ok kid but this’ll have to be our little secret… “
” You see there used to be an H note. The H chord was the most beautiful chord known to man but sadly it hasn’t been heard since the mid 20th century. That’s when they removed all the H notes from all the instruments. Take a look at any piano you can see where it’s missing. “
” The H note was banned shortly before World War II. Then made illegal during the Cold War. That was due to it’s use as a secret weapon by the U.S. Government. The destructive properties of sound have long been known all the way back to Biblical times when the trumpets crumbled the walls of Jericho. Government scientists perfected the use of the H chord as a weapon and that led to the development of the H bomb. The H note became classified top secret and it’s use restricted by the civilian population. “
” The H chord dissapeared from music completely. While all piano’s had their H notes removed, some models with their H key intact do still exist. They are very rare and fetch enormous sums on the black market. U.S. Intelligence has confirmed that certain rouge nation states have tried to obtain them for their weapons programs. To this day the general public is largely unaware that the H note ever existed and thanks to vast U.S. Government disinformation campaign it’s existence is routinely dismissed as nothing more than rumors… “
” Wow! cool… “
I made him swore to top secrecy as me and him were the only one’s who knew the truth.
” No one would ever believe us anyway so mum’s the word kid. “
” Now how about playing a G chord? “