Ah, Florida…or as my friends likes to call it Flori-duh. Everyone knows that everything that’s truly weird comes from here. SNL’s Seth Meyers, now the host of NBC’s Late Night, recently began a segment on his show of a game show where contestants have to guess if the news story is made up or an actual news story from the Sunshine State.
“Whenever I run across a news story that’s particularly bizarre, it’s almost always something that happened in Florida,” he explained to the studio audience. “I would swear sometimes they’re made up, it’s hard to tell the difference right?” Face eating zombies, sinkholes that swallow up whole neighborhoods, the woman who called 911 because her partner wouldn’t have sex with her, middle school teachers having sex with their students, men having sex with pit bulls, all these were real events that took place in…Flori-duh. That was the premise of my new column in Cahoots, the local beach paper because while the whole state maybe be weird, I happen to reside in the epicenter of weirdness, Hollywood, Florida or as I like to call it ” Hollyweird by the Sea. “
” Hollyweird by the Sea “
” Welcome to Hollyweird, ” shouted the guy on the bike as he drunkenly careened down the Broadwalk, pretty much missing the bike lane altogether. He was wearing one of those hats made out of palm fronds and a loud Hawaiian shirt. The memory of that incident stayed with me and I heard that term bantered around town, ” Hollyweird. ” After a season or two here, I began to understand.
I’m talking about Hollyweird, Florida of course not the one in California, which people consider the ” real one ” whatever that means. Real what? Real weird? Sure, Hollywood, California has it’s share of weirdness but it can’t hold a candle to the one in Florida. Ever notice when the Virgin Mary appears on a grilled cheese sandwich it’s in Hollywood, Florida?
Or when an Alien Worshipping Cult is cloning babies it’s in…you guessed it, Hollywood, Florida.
I have a theory that this is because of it’s proximity to the Bermuda Triangle. In fact, I believe it’s location is perfectly aligned with the apex of the western tip of the Bermuda Triangle. It also might have something to do with Ancient Atlantis. You see Hollyweird, Florida is nestled right up to mother, mother ocean, the Atlantic Ocean. That means that Hollyweird, Florida has beaches and the one in California on the other hand just has a bunch of stuck up beaches. And while it maybe a tad strange at times ( particularly by the Publix on Young Circle ) I am proud to call it home.