Punk Rock 101

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YES, SPACE HIPPIE’S DIRTY LITTLE SECRET IS HE WAS A PUNK ROCK JUVENILE DELINQUENT WAY BACK IN THE 70’S BEFORE KURT COBAIN HAD PUBIC HAIR ON HIS BALLS. SO READ ON DEAR FAITHFUL THE TRUE TALES OF THE AWAKENING OF A YOUNG GUITAR GOD.

BY MIDDLE SCHOOL, CAME TWO IMPORTANT  DISCOVERIES, GIRLS AND GUITARS. SURE I HAD KISSED A FEW GIRLS, PLAYING SPIN THE BOTTLE AT PARTIES. MAYBE GROPED A FEW CLUMSILY IN THE DARK, BUT THEY WERE STILL MYSTERIOUS AND ELUSIVE CREATURES. AND AS THE TESTOSTERONE COURSED THROUGH BY TEENAGED LOINS, THEY WERE ALL THAT I THOUGHT ABOUT. I THINK ALL GUYS GO GIRL CRAZY AT THAT AGE AND I WAS NO EXCEPTION. I WAS SURROUNDED BY A BEVY OF BEAUTIES AT SCHOOL. THEY WERE CHANGING AND SO WAS I. I WAS BEGUILED BY THEIR NEWLY BUDDING BREASTS. EVEN THE WAY THEY SMELLED WOULD MAKE ME HAVE TO HIDE MY MORNING WOOD UNDER MY DESK. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF WHAT WOULD MAKE THEM INTERESTED IN A DWEEB LIKE ME? hmmm…

BECOMING A WORLD FAMOUS ROCK STAR WOULD SURELY GET THEIR ATTENTION. ALL I NEEDED WAS A GUITAR…I DIDN’T HAVE MONEY TO BUY ONE SO BASICALLY I STOLE ONE. LET’S NOT SAY FROM WHERE BUT IT WAS MORE FROM AN INSTITUTION THAN AN INDIVIDUAL PER SE. JUST AS  PROMETHEUS STOLE FIRE FROM THE GODS, I THOUGHT OF IT MORE AS AN ACT OF LIBERATION THAN THEFT.   AND EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T KNOW A LICK, THAT DIDN’T STOP ME FROM PLAYING IT CONSTANTLY, JUST BANGING AWAY TIL IT SOUNDED RIGHT. I HAD NO FORMAL TRAINING IN THE BEGINNING AND LATER ON MY PARENTS PAID FOR LESSONS BUT THE TRUTH IS IT WASN’T LONG BEFORE I STOPPED GOING TO THEM AND SPENT THE MONEY ON POT. I HAD LEARNED A COUPLE OF CHORDS AND SOON I HAD FORMED A BAND WITH A COUPLE OF FRIENDS AND PRETTY SOON WE HAD WRITTEN A BUNCH OF SONGS. I EMBRACED WHOLEHEARTEDLY THE CORE CURRICULUM OF PUNK ROCK 101 WHICH WAS ALL IT TAKES IS THREE CHORDS AND SOME ATTITUDE. AND PUNK WAS SOMETHING I COULD ACTUALLY PLAY! SURE I WAS STILL CRANKING MY KISS AND BLACK SABBATH RECORDS BUT THE RAMONES FIRST ALBUM HAD JUST COME OUT AND I BOUGHT IT AND TURNED ALL MY FRIENDS ON TO IT. THEN I GOT THE SEX PISTOLS NEVER MIND THE BOLLOCKS AND MY LIFE WAS NEVER THE SAME.

WE COULD PLAY RECORDS IN SCHOOL DURING BREAK PERIOD AND I BROUGHT IN MY PUNK ROCK RECORDS AND ME AND MY FRIEND CHARLIE TAUGHT EVERYBODY TO POGO ( THIS WAS THE PRECURSOR TO SLAM DANCING, WAY BEFORE MOSHING ). WE GOT EVERYONE IN TROUBLE AND SOON AFTER BOTH OUR PARENTS WERE BROUGHT IN FOR A PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCE WHERE THEY WERE TOLD THAT “ ME AND CHARLIE WERE CORRUPTING THE EIGHTH GRADE WITH OUR PUNK ROCK ANTICS”. WE WERE BOTH REPRIMANDED BUT NOT SUSPENDED AND BEFORE LONG WE WERE BACK TO OUR NORMALROUTINE. IT’S FUNNY I COULD STILL BRING IN  MY KISS AND BLACK SABBATH RECORDS BUT THE SEX PISTOLS WERE STRICKLY VERBOTEN.

( I STILL HAVE HARROWING MEMORIES OF WHEN TOMMY CAMPBELL BROUGHT IN THE FIRST LOVEBOY RECORD BUT THAT IS BEST FORGOTTEN. )

 I MADE IT THROUGH THE REST OF THE YEAR WITHOUT INCIDENT BUT I WAS WHAT YOU MIGHT CALL STARTING TO HANG WITH THE WRONG  CROWD ( ACTUALLY WE STARTED IT AND WERE RECRUITING. ) THAT SUMMER BEFORE HIGH SCHOOL WAS IDYLLIC. OUR PARENTS WEREN’T WISE TO US YET. WE HAD YET TO GET IN ANY SERIOUS TROUBLE ( THAT WOULD COME LATER.) EVERY NIGHT WE’D BE HEADING UP TO THE POWERLINES TO PARTY. PEOPLE WERE SMOKING POT AND DOING QUAALUDES.WE ALWAYS GOT SOME OLDER TEENS TO BUY US SOME BEER. AND MY LUCK WITH THE LADIES WAS STARTING TO CHANGE. I WAS MEETING NEW ONES. THEY WEREN’T LIKETHE GOODY TWO SHOES AT SCHOOL. THESE ONES WERE BAD GIRLS THAT LIKED TO PARTY.

THERE WAS THIS CUTE BLOND GIRL THAT HAD A CRUSH ON ME. SHE WAS A YEAR YOUNGER. A REALLY CUTE GIRL, SHE WAS IN FACT ONE THE PRETTIEST GIRLS IN  THE NEIGHBORHOOD. ONE NIGHT WE BOTH SNUCK OUT AND MET UP AT THE BALL FIELD. WE SAT ON THE BLEACHERS AND STARTED MAKING OUT. I LIKED KISSING HER AND IT WAS MAKING ME PRETTY HORNY BUT SHE SMOKED CIGARETTES AND HER MOUTH TASTED LIKE AN ASHTRAY. I PUT UP WITH IT BECAUSE SHE LET ME FEEL HER UP. WE SPENT A LOT OF THAT SUMMER MAKING OUT. LIKE I SAID I COPPED A FEEL HERE AND THERE, BUT NOTHING TOO HEAVY AND WHILE I WAS STARTING TO ENJOY MY NEWFOUND ROLE AS A LADIES MAN, I WAS ALL TOO SELF CONSCIOUS OF MY STATUS OF TEENAGE VIRGIN, LIKE IT WAS WRITTEN ALL OVER MY FOREHEAD. ME AND MY LITTLE CUTIE HAD OUR MOMENT BUT WE WENT OURSEPARATE   WAYS WHEN SUMMER ENDED. I WAS NOW A FRESHMAN AND WITH SCHOOL STARTING BACK, I WAS STEADILY PROGRESSING TOWARDS MY GOALS OF LEARNING TO PLAY GUITAR AND GETTING LAID.

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