Comedy Traffic School

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I got a ticket for careless driving. I was going to take it to court. How do they know how much I care? I care, man. I care…o.k. so I was driving on the sidewalk. To avoid points you can elect the option of going to traffic school. I looked it up online and found one close by that was not just a traffic school, it was comedy traffic school.This should be good I thought. So I signed up.The class started at 9am on a Saturday. I got up early and gave myself plenty of time to get there. It was tucked away in a strip mall off of 441 between Long You Long Time oriental massage and one of those pill mills. Business was brisk at both, one of them had a drive thru window. So when I pulled up in the parking lot, I was the first one there. I had still had 20 minutes before class started and I wasn’t going to go in, but I did in hopes of finding a wifi connection. ( I didn’t ) It was a decision I was soon to regret.

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I was there too early. The classroom was empty, it was just me and the instructor. A 350 lb. woman who began talking my ear off telling me her life story. How her parents were pot smoking hippies who never grew up. How pot destroys lives, denouncing what she called “ the glorification of the doobie “  How she didn’t need drugs she was high on life. She’s a Republican and she didn’t wear a bra “( she didn’t ) She went and on and on. Then she started asking me was I stoned. “ C’mon you didn’t do a little wake and bake before class? “ ( I did. ) She then proceeded to give me a brief overview of the hippie culture. “ They were rich kids from New York who hitchhiked to San Francisco and got hepatitis. They all became drop outs and deadheads.

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Then she tells me how Jerry Garcia’s widow, Deborah Koons wasn’t a hippie, she was business woman. She has her shit together ( I countered with yeah and she’s a bitch who didn’t let Mountain Girl go to the funeral.) She hated all things her hippie parents stood for ( who it turns out are both doctors, so so much for pot destroying their lives!? ) She then segue wayed into how she was raised a Iranian Jew and how her father beat her ‘til she was 17 and how in Persian culture a man who doesn’t beat his wife and children isn’t a man. It was surreal. I’m a magnet for this sort of thing.

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Those 20 minutes passed by slowly and thankfully some people started showing up for the 4 hour class which was dull as watching paint peel. In an attempt to inject a little humor in the proceedings ( after all it was comedy traffic school ) when they went around the class and asked everybody what brought them there. I got real serious and said with a straight face, “ there was these nuns in the crosswalk…in a school zone…” Everyone got really quiet for a second or two before they bust out laughing. I can’t say we didn’t have fun. I did learn some fun facts if a minor is not wearing a seat belt in your vehicle you get the ticket, if they’re over 18, they get it! By the end of the  class I had made friends with the instructor who wanted to come see Space Hippie sometime. Monday morning when I went to pay my ticket, I couldn’t find it! I tore my apt. which was a mess after a weekend of gigs and partying. How the hell did I lose my ticket! I was about to lose it when I thought if I called the traffic school they could tell me the citation number and I could pay it that way. I called the instructor and she said “ I glad you called I have your ticket. I forgot to give it back to you. “ Argghh! She was using my ticket in class as an example.

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“ I’ll come in and pick it up. “ Sorry were not open today. “ “ I need it, I’m going to go pay it. “ So finally she gave directions to her house and I went and got my damn ticket. When I got to the Clerk of the Courts, it was packed  I took a number and took a seat. I sat there for awhile and then a woman came to then window and told everbody that the computers were down and they didn’t know when they would be back up. I finally paid it online but now I just got another ticket and I’ll have to go back for the 8 hour class! Traffic fucking comedy school…the jokes on me.

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