I told you my blog was more chronic-logical than chrono – logical. I’m getting ahead of myself. Early 90’s, ’91, maybe ’92…All I know is things were going swimmingly then I effed up big time. To make a long story short, I failed my piss test. The test they do in the probation office is fallable ( malleable even ) but if they send your shit ( your piss actually ) to the lab…YOU CAN NOT BEAT THE SPECTRUM ANALYZER!!! You can drink your pregnant sister’s pee, you can shave your body from head to toe, resort to voodoo, BUT I REPEAT YOU CANNOT BEAT THE SPECTRUM ANALYZER!!!
Since a warrant for my arrest for violation of probation ( V.O.P. ) was immanent, I went on the lam. Being an outlaw on the run sure looks romantic in the movies, but believe me it sucks. My fleeing was for more practical reasons. Instead of turning myself in locally and then sitting for weeks or months in jail waiting to be shipped back to Volusia County,( the original jurisdiction of my probation ) I decided to cut out the middle man and save some time and go up there and turn myself in. That’s how I ended up knocking on the front door of Volusia County Correctional Facility on Easter Sunday no less and saying “ um, I think you guys are looking for me…”
So I was back and no guarantees of leaving anytime soon. Also I was in a stricter security level which was cell blocks inside the facility. We were always on lockdown. They never let us out except in the day room. A t.v. some metal tables with uncomfortable round circles to sit on. A few books but nothing much else but cards and a chess board if you were lucky. It was a depressing, uncertain time. A guy I had worked with doing laundry hung himself in his cell one night. He was supposed to get out but every time he got close they would slap more time on him for stupid infractions. This went on forever and finally he lost it. I can still remember walking past the cell block after they discovered his body. He was up there still hanging. I couldn’t see it but you could feel it. Spooky.
Jail’s like anyplace there’s people, you make friends. I hung out with a couple of goofballs like me that didn’t fit in with the gangster wanna be’s in general population. We’d get all jacked up on coffee and get goofy, trying to laugh and forget our present circumstances. Once in an effort to frame my cell mate, I ripped off a bunch of those tags that say “ Do not remove under penalty of law “ from a bunch of pillows and stashed them under his pillow. He retaliated by making a realistic looking shank from a plastic spoon which actually could have got me in trouble, that thing could’ve put somebody’s eye out! One night we actually convinced the guys in our cellblock to watch “ Pee Wee’s Big Adventure “ which was on t.v. that night. It was hard to wrestle control for the t.v. In jail they watch sports of course, C.O.P.s religiously which I found ironic and any sit com that has predominantly black people in it. So there we were watching Pee Wee with a bunch of hardened criminals. What a hoot! The movie had everyone in stitches. “ ha ha aw hell naw that bitch is shot out “ It mellowed everyone out and there was an actual good mood for a few days. To quell disturbance in Correctional Facilities I recommend the Pee Wee Herman films or even a couple episodes of his television show. That should do it. So finally my day in court came and they reinstated me. They escorted me out the door leaving me without so much as a bus ticket home. Luckily, I got Commie Dave to come pick me up and give me a ride back to Miami.